What is love exactly? Can you ever quantify it?

It’s amazing, this little thing called love.

It renders an otherwise perfectly functional human being’s brains into sloshy jelly, making them sprout silly love quotes and speak in gibberish love babble to their other half.

Some scoff at this thing called love, and seek single-minded independance. They see no need for any single special person in their lives, and swears by singlehood, preferring to either party or chill out with friends or a random lover, depending on their mood.

Me? I guess I’m afraid to love. I’ve been hurt once before, and the wounds took a long time to heal. Just when I’m happy with life being the way it is, someone special comes along and turns my world around again. He is a nice person, and I probably could trust him with my life, my future, my everything. Yes, it has been only about one month since we were together, but that is what I surmise of him as a person.

But it is also now, as I step into a relationship for the 2nd time, that I realize, hey, maybe I’m really a selfish person. If I were truly selfless, as how love should ideally be, then I wouldn’t be afraid to love, but would give it my all without a second thought.

But I’m not.

He is sick right now, and I want to take care of him, buy him lunch, make sure his fever is down and all that, but as I am doing all that, a warning signal emitting a nasty red light sounds off noisily in my head.

‘Jasmine, Jasmine, you’re committing the same mistake again… Can you really afford to love another person as you once did, again? Can you take that risk, that leap of faith again?’

And then I become afraid. Really afraid of being nice. Of being taken for granted. And I really really cannot bear for that to happen again.

But as I rang his doorbell, and saw him so weak and fragile, all my little fears quietly slipped away. My poor little pineapple, so weak. It made me glad that I visited him, and took care of him as best as I could. (no cooking, the kitchen in my hse is really fit for the birds. No kiddin. Probably enough space for a little bird to build a little bird family in there and nothing else. And shuddup, whoever is thinking of, “Can you even cook in the first place Jas? Dont try to poison a person that’s already sick. Like wadever!!!)

However, I doubt that the fears that reside in me will subside anytime soon, and it is a matter of weighing how much I like him (not love yet I reckon), versus the baggage I carry. I am not tormented or anything by my past relationship (like duh… it has been like ten million yrs since), but just that that experience (sometimes sweet, sometimes nice, but towards the end, left a rather bad taste in the mouth), I dont noe how ready I am to love again.

I didn’t want to get into a relationship I guess, despite my constant laments about being single, and of course, dearie me, how could I forget my dear friends (and stupid brothers), all lamenting about my single status on my behalf??? with the topper probably being Ellery Jeremiah Sutanto’s statement that he was worried about me, and not Stephanie Lim Yan or anything, becuz I look independent and look like I could stay single forever…like erm, okies Ello…Thanks for the confidence vote.

But you noe, things just happened, and I would say I was abit more reckless in getting into this relationship, probably because everyone was telling me what a great guy he was, and my Singapore friends (Steps Lim and Boonei Loh) were like rooting for me to get attached like duh! Pls envision me rolling my eyes right now… But yeah, after an ‘annulment’ period (hahah i noe im damn kuku), when I felt I couldn’t do things for him, I considered alot more carefully and of course, considered my feelings for him. I guess I do like him lots now, and him being sick right now and my heart aching a little prob shows how important he is to me???

As to whether I can risk it all and give in my all again, I guess this is something that only time can reason out. I expect it to be so, but how long it’ll take remains to be seen. But for now, as my heart aches that little bit more, I noe he is important to me, and that right now, at this very moment, all my selfish little fears stand naught.

What is your idea on love? Does it differ from mine? Sorry man… I just need to quantify a little of my thoughts and verbalize them, so that everything appears much clearer to myself so yuppers…

Till then little pineapple, I hope you get better. Strong enough for two remember?

Lotsa love

Jas

FA Cup, 4-0 rout!!! Woohoo!

Protected: farce

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

Protected: dunno how I ended up writing about and to you, Dear Baldy (:

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

A Blessed day - the BOTTOMS UP approach

After a long hiatus from blogging, I’m deciding to update on my life today, a truly extraordinary day in all the wrong ways (and also becuz i wrote the entry for my friend Stephanie and do a simple copy, paste, and edit here hahah)

TODAY is such a BAD LUCK day for me! My day started off on the absolute WRONG note. In the morning at 6 bloody 15 am, my mom’s bloody hp rang, shrilling like a murderous banshee tt got her head chopped off again or smth. I woke up with a startle n had to grudgingly fumble in my mom’s bag for her bloody alarm since she slept on soundly beside me. In my fumbling, i pressed some key; the hp went silent n i went back to slp.

Some time later, the bloody alarm started again while i was drifting off to slp. FREAK. I woke up again, opened my eyes WIDE (as best as I could at the ungodly hr) to see the options on the hp interface before noting the two options available to me: snooze and ok. i clicked on ok so tt the alarm wldnt ring again.

Then i proceeded to plop my tired and distressed body on the bed slp for a 2nd time. Surprise surprise, the cute lil alarm rang a 3rd bloody time. Totally pissed off by now (my blood pressure having risen to a somewhat dangerous level), i switched the entire bloody hp off. In fact, my mom shd be glad i din peel off her battery n throw the wretched hp out of the window.

Typically, a Lee is not known for being very gracious when their slps are being disturbed. You should just see my brother Nick LEE. He is the ABSOLUTE BEST. A MASTER of GROUCHINESS when his slp is disturbed, born w the unique ability of slpg thru all sorts of noises. There was once when he set 3 different alarms at staggered timing to wake him up from an afternoon nap. He didn’t wake up to any of them and it pissed the hell outta me cuz the alarms just rang and rang. I proceeded to place an alarm clock right beside his left ear, his right ear, and above his head, and still he didn’t woke up. And no, he is not deaf. Not at all. And whenever he begs me to wake him up from a nap cuz he needs to do his homework (je needs to beg cuz anyone w half a brain will refuse to take up tt dirty job of waking him up. You’ll see why), I will refuse. And then I will relent. And so I will try to wake him up when the time is reached. And the most recent incident was one where I asked him to wake up and he woke up, asked me to get lost in a super irritated tone, and said, “You’re champion at irritating brother.” ahhh my wonderful bro, the Master of slp-deficient-inspired-grouchiness.

Back to my sad life story. i plonked back into my bed and tried slpg BUT i think my blood pressure rose too quickly during the alarm moments earlier, and i cldnt slp no matter how hard i tried. 6 bloody 30 am. I wasnt due to wake up for another hour. Oh sweet sweet life of mine..

The rest of my sch time passed by peacefully enough. The resulting aftermath of the morning alarm scandal was that i was super tired in sch and drank 3 cups of coffee (last week, i kept falling aslp in class;apparently one cup isnt quite enough) in a brave, last ditch attempt to give my beloved professor Ms Jasmine LEE’s undivided attn.

My efforts paid off. During the lect, i stayed awake (power of 3 coffees) but the natural side effect was that of a walking zombie type. Functioning body w missing brain type unoe. Qt a startling change from my usual intelligent self. All I wanted then to go home and be a slpg beauty. Being Princess Jasmine is just not good enough.

But my ordeals of the day didn’t end just yet. It was raining and i had to take a bus home. Sucks man. u noe how much i hate taking buses and walking, esp when i have to leave my bike at the station. Left with no alternative though, i took a bus, but wasnt sure which bus to take: 358 or 359. From past experience, i took a wrong bus before n ended up at some gay place. My womanly instinct kicked in though, and told me tt it was 359. So i took it.

After traveling for a damn long time, i realized tt i wld technically have reached my stop alr. Horrified and pissed at my bad judgment, i stalked off the bus at the next possible stop and checked the directory.

Well guess what?

I was on the right bus afterall.

So i waited and took the next 359 bus again, and two stops later, the bus reached the interchange. HUH???? HOW COME??? I saw qt distinctly that the bus was sup to stop at 359. The same feeling of horror began to well up and i approached the bus uncle asking, “这辆巴士没有停在street 51啊?” (corrected from actual speech for purpose of std written Chinese), to which thankfully, the uncle replied, “有，你不要下车咯”.

Apparently, in the time I was in India, 359 revamped to drive two different loops n at the bus interchange, there are 2 different 359 bus stops for the 2 routes. Wowee. I just spent half an hr on a bus ride that wld have otherwise wasted ONLY 10 mins of my life (exc waiting time for more exact figures).”

And while I was walking home, I slipped and fell cuz my stupid sandals’ friction ability is long gone. Landed FLAT on my butt and the left of my elbow (the funnybone ya noe? which doesnt feel qt as funny as it prob sounds). I swear I broke a few bones, suffered a hairline fracture and metatarsal crack on my elbow bone. Seriously man.

When I finally reached home after lifting my legs damn high for the rest of the treacherous trek home, (dont want to fall down again) I proceeded to slp on a cold rainy day.

Seriously, it is so blissful to be at home in nice clean clothes, slpg the day away. Except for the coffee. Yeah. The 3 cups of coffee. CRAP man seriously. I dunno whether to be happy that the coffee worked its magic, or to cry becuz the one thing i wanted most then was stolen by the power caffeine.

So after tossing and turning, I FINALLY decided to make myself happy by eating. A hungry man is an angry man unoe. I ordered the Rosemary Chicken pizza hut combo (for 4-6pax) and added the beef meatballs. Bill came up to abt 50 bucks. Lest u think im a piggy, i din eat it by myself okies. Benji, Nick and I finished everything so yeah, I guess each of us ate abt 2 person’s share considering the add-ons too hahah! The Rosemary chicken pizza didnt taste quite as fantastic as the pics looked though. ahhh the power of advertising huh. Although the spicy drumlets were superb.

Hmm full and satiated, it was 7pm accdg to my watch. I set my alarm for 730 tom, hoping to wake up only the next morning for sch. I settled down comfortably and felt myself lulling into a slumber, as what a full meal usually does.

And then at 730, an alarm rang. And rang. And rang. I thought it was Benji’s and refused to switch it off. For pete’s sake, I was like how comfortable snuggling in bed by myself. But NOBODY in the hse switched off the alarm, and pissed off, I got up to realize that the alarm was set by me for tom. As my alarm clock didn’t have an am/pm function, it just rang at 730. FREAK.

love
A v slp deficient jasmine